Grist for the mill

Sometimes it feels like all week I’m packing sacks of grain. Preparing grist for the therapy mill. Trying to remember every moment of discomfort, every unresolved issue. Making mental notes, flagging thoughts, marking down things I need to address in my session. And then I feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount I need to grind, […]

The cycle

It’s the swinging that does me in. The way I do a 180 over the course of the week. There’s a part that shows up confidently, groundedly, saying this is okay. Safe. A good thing. And that part coolly (okay, that might be an exaggeration) even sends an email, because big deal. It’s okay. Anything […]

Don’t hide from me

The perfect therapy experience is what you seem to strive to give. To be there for me fully. Wholly. No distractions. Your commitment is solid. Your passion heartwarming. I’m here, is what you exude. I’m present, is what you say. Nothing can take me away from my groundedness when you are in the room with […]

Barbed Wire

I won’t dare go near a boundary in therapy. I will rather bury my needs deep within. Inhibit myself. Let my angst fester beneath my skin. Because if I reach a boundary. If I let my stuff extend into turf where it’s not welcome — And i’m told, “This territory is not yours. You need […]

Therapy Pains

It’s a pain I can’t explain Nor understand That rises up At the slightest provocation That only it detects It pierces my chest Hijacks my breath Holds me in an unbearable chokehold That I am not sure I can endure Years of grief Layers of shame Rise up Threatening to do me in This time […]

Brain Fog

I’m tired of reflectingOf dissectingOf connectingThe scattered and shattered blurred dots Exhausted from pryingFrom cryingFrom tryingTo untangle the mangled huge knots Have brain fog from thinkingFrom linkingFrom sinkingIn oceans of emotions and thoughts Am so done with doubtingWith poutingAnd toutingThat it’s based on a chase that’s for naught Am wrung dry from ponderingAnd wonderingAnd squanderingThe […]

Mute

I can’t talk, because I need so much more support than you can give me. I can’t talk, because 50 minutes is hardly enough to combat an entire week of existing. I can’t talk, because the connection I have with you is so fragile, it will fade right away. I can’t talk, because the pain […]

Trust… what?

“Trust the process,” is what they say. But submitting to this process feels like a freefall without a parachute, like I’m giving up the modicum of safety I have and opening myself up to further hurt. Trust the process? Why would I do that? What is this process that I should dare put my trust […]

What I knew all along

“I can’t need anyone,” I said solemnly, meaning it with every fiber of my being. “No one cares enough. No one understands. No one has the energy for me.” You seemed to think you knew better. “We are wired for connection,” you said. “People do care if you let them.” “We need others; it’s the […]

What is therapy?

“I’m still not sure why I’m here… what this whole therapy is all about…” I said to my therapist back then. “What, indeed, is therapy?” my therapist asked me. I shrugged. “Well, when you figure that out, I’d love to hear,” she said with a little laugh. It wasn’t really funny. I had so many […]

The Imbalance

I am feeling these stirrings in my heart, the pain that ripples through — stronger, stronger — when I think of our encounter. The soothing that is sitting in your office. But no. I can’t let you mean so much to me. This is not good. It’s not even real! It’s an imbalanced relationship. I […]

Don’t touch me

Don’t touch meMy skin is brittlePaper thinThe slightest touchWill make me bleed Don’t reach meThe invitationNot to be aloneWill uncork in meA well of need Don’t warm meThe walls that keepMy wounds containedAre made from iceThey’ll melt with trust Don’t see meThe broken soulI try to hideWill be exposedIn all disgust Don’t touch meMy heart […]