“I can’t need anyone,” I said solemnly, meaning it with every fiber of my being.
“No one cares enough. No one understands. No one has the energy for me.”
You seemed to think you knew better.
“We are wired for connection,” you said.
“People do care if you let them.”
“We need others; it’s the only way to live.”
And then there was an invitation.
“See, let’s try this out with me. You can need me. You should need me. This is good for you.”
But I still stuck to my belief, letting the fear wrap itself around me like a protective cloak.
“No. The only one who cares about me is me. No one in the world can bother caring. Nobody can understand. In fact, nobody even wants to understand.”
Slowly, you coaxed me to remove that cloak of security.
“It’s just traumatic treatment that made you think so,” you said, not in so many words. “It’s a misguided manner of operation. It’s a miswiring of your brain, not the way the world is meant to be.”
I regarded you guardedly for hours, I let the idea percolate for months. And then I finally undid one button. Then another.
Then I slowly, painstakingly, began to remove my coat. First my shoulders lay cold and thinly protected, then I gingerly shrugged the entire cloak off and laid it down at the side of me.
I took you in from my peripheral vision. Then I dared to face you.
Firstly subtly, and then more outright, I said. “Okay, I need you.”
And then, “I need you so badly, it hurts. Can you be there for me?”
You became reflective.
Gently, softly, you said, “I can’t give you what you need. No one can give you what you need.”
You looked at me kindly. “The only one who can be there for you is you.”
See, I knew it all along.
3 thoughts on “What I knew all along”
Do you think there’s any room for negotiation here?
I feel the same way.
I couldn’t have wants or needs.
Therapy comes along and therapist says everyone has wants and needs.
So slowly I let myself feel that I do have them.
Then there is fear, how could I have wants or needs, isn’t it bad to be dependent?
Therapist said it’s okay to have them, what’s wrong with being dependent.
So then when I know enough that she’s not going to reject me for asking, I ask for something and it’s terrifying. Maybe more than one something. Maybe I build it up, slowly, until the something I’m asking her is really about something deep inside.
And all I hear in her response is that I can’t be too dependent on her.
Well I never would have asked in the first place. I knew not to have wants or needs. I knew I shouldn’t have asked. I knew not to let her beliefs affect mine.
But maybe that’s the point.
It’s ok to ask, it’s okay to want or need something.
It’s ok to be told no.
It doesn’t change who I am as a person.
It doesn’t change for the worse what she thinks of me.
And the shameful feelings that come up have to do with something we can work through together.
But ugh, it really does not feel good.
I feel this so strongly.
That is so painful.
I also question this so much.
Why put our needs out there just to be told that they can’t be filled?
I think the biggest indicator is… did the interaction leave you feeling safe to ask again?