“Trust the process,” is what they say.
But submitting to this process feels like a freefall without a parachute, like I’m giving up the modicum of safety I have and opening myself up to further hurt.
Trust the process? Why would I do that?
What is this process that I should dare put my trust in it?
What makes it deserving of that precious commodity of mine, one that I rarely ever relinquish to anyone or anything?
Because they say that the process, as painstaking and painful and difficult and soul-wrenching as it is, works.
But who are they that I should even believe them?
The pain it stirs up, the waves that rip through my chest and constrict my heart in painful spasms, all of it is mine alone.
The confusion it kicks up is a murkiness that engulfs me, fills my head with static and leaves me feeling immobile and stuck.
But mostly the risk I am taking is putting my life on the line.
I’ve risked this before. And I’ve been hurt.
How can I trust that this will turn out different? That letting go and being at someone’s mercy can be safe, let alone, good, for me?
How can I trust that if I let go and lean in I won’t just go crashing down to the ground?
How can I trust that the pain will not beget more pain and more pain, sending my trust in this process into even deeper hiding, to a place of no return?
Why should I trust when every brain cell is shouting: Stay safe. Don’t go there. Don’t let yourself get hurt again. Nobody can understand or help you.
Nobody will get the depths of your needs. You don’t even get yourself. It’s not possible to get you.
I’ll admit that this process that includes a march right through hell has changed me in so many ways.
But now it feels like I’m before an inferno. And I’m not sure that in that scorching torture lies my healing.
Should I trust the process anyhow, even as the devilish tongues of fire lick my extremities — and I just may get burned if I get any closer?
Should I believe that this will be healing and not inflict further damage to my system that’s too delicate to withstand more adversity?
Do you trust the process?
One Response
My favorite line is:
this process that includes a march right through hell.
so very well put! we can only hope and pray that on the other side is heaven 🙂