By: Emunah Harrel
The backstory: This brave site member has tried a number of meds years back, before finally finding something that worked. After several years, she was ready to bid them adieu! (G-d willing, by me one day…)
Now a bunch of time later, Life has pushed her in the way of some little white help to take the edge off all of the things that just make things so much more complicated than they must be.
And these are her thoughts:
Then and Now.
30 tab Lamictal take 1 tablet by mouth daily
THEN:
I wore my prescription as an official badge of crazy.
I thought, see?! This depression isn’t a figment of my imagination.
I thought, build up a stash and if life gets even a tad worse, I’ll have a way to fade into nothingness forevermore.
I thought, this is yet another symbol of the damage that is I.
I thought, now I can self-sabotage and it’s with my doctor’s approval.
No normal guy will agree to marry a girl on medication.
A spinster is what I’ll be. A spinster is what I want to be.
NOW:
The prescription holds no weight, it’s not remotely meaningful enough to brand me with a badge of any sort.
Today, I feel surprisingly emotional. The stark contrast of my mental stability between day 1 back then and day 1 today is overwhelming to think about.
Today, I live with light and I feel the glow of hope.
Today, I push away the voices that hold me back, close my eyes, and pray — please let these tiny white things hold the right amount of magic to help me reach a level of health that I’ve never yet experienced.
Today, I feel proud that if this Rx holds any significance, it’s one of growth.
I’m ready to connect, to evolve, to rise above.
I’m a wife and a mama and that’s exactly who I want to be.
