When the wrong mark is hit

I came into the session feeling pathetic. Feeling awkward.

It happens often, especially after the holidays invade the calendar and snatch up several therapy days.

All my therapy doubts, all the resistance I ever had, start creeping up on me again.

I almost felt like canceling, putting this demeaning part of my life on hold a bit. Instead I awkwardly emailed my therapist for a confirmation, because I can’t show up after one billion weeks without checking first if she hasn’t moved away or taken a new job in the fashion industry or decided she’s had enough of me dumping my misery on her.

And I went, on this perfect spring day, passing up on a fun sibling get together, because what else was I to do? Marinade in my issues for another few weeks? I knew it hadn’t been working for me.

Anyhow, somewhere in my heart of hearts I hoped that I’d leave session feeling somewhat reassured that Im not just a pathetic loser with the most shameful issues and struggles.

And then, bam.

My therapist said something that didn’t sit well with me. Not once, but several times. Door after door in my heart started clanging shut and I wanted to just leave and go home. 

Take back every word I ever uttered in that room, wrap it up, and take it with me.

And never be vulnerable again.

Never again admit that I’m struggling.

I felt judged. I felt the need to defend myself. I felt ashamed and disgusting.

She may have just been distracted, focused on something personal, tired, wrapped up in training, stuck on a point, still reeling from the previous session, what do I know?
She definitely didn’t intend for me to feel attacked, judged, more pathetic and broken than I already felt.

But it took the wind out of my sails, it sucked all the vitality of intent to do the work and heal.

What is about the therapeutic relationship that makes it wield so much emotional power?

What is it about an utterance from a therapist that makes it carry so much weight?

Why are my sensors so high in that room?

Do you, too, have intense reactions to interactions with your therapist?